Old Friend Pain

I have been two days without any ibuprofen, just to see if the pain is still there, or even scarier, if the ibuprofen is causing some of the pain. My neck is sore and can barely be turned. my thumbs feel like they've been abused in some weird Chinese torture ritual, my right shoulder feels somewhat dislocated. Below the waist I'm not so bad although the first few steps after being in any position for more than a half hour are a little painful and off balance. I have been falling asleep without help though and seem to get the same number of hours as usual - I'm just more relieved when I can finally get up after being still for that long. I've been reading The Dirty Life by Kristin Kimball (good read!) and wishing I had the physical ambition to do that kind of hard work, raising food for myself and others, farming. I think it would be too painful, if not impossible.  If there were not so many things left that I can do I would feel really bad about the things I'm thinking of crossing off the list.

But it is nearly February and time for the annual lesson in how not to garden in Florida. There are dozens of ways and I know I've not tried them all yet. One of these years something will work. I'm going to try not to spend any money this season (that was one of the things that didn't work last year). I've only lost a couple plants so far to cold weather and lack of water and am hoping the danger of freezing is past. I have ideas...  I'm wondering about chickens.

I bought a shirt from a company that makes travel clothes. I thought it would be a great light jacket for my Cambodia trip but I didn't wear it even once. It has polka dots, or maybe just dots, all over it. I guess polka dots are evenly arranged in a pattern - my own definition. For some reason I am drawn to spots like this on clothing, maybe thinking that other spots will be hidden much more easily. But I don't like them nearly as much when I see them on me. This black shirt with white dots makes me feel like a large domino with legs. What the catalog said is true, it doesn't wrinkle and that is a point in its favor.

I've only had to work four days a week for the last two weeks and it has been so helpful. With this kind of schedule, the job I have has a lot in common with the job I always thought of as the perfect job (see previous blog). This calm, adequately staffed period of time probably will not last forever, but I've been enjoying it. Some days I get up and work like a madwoman doing errands, cleaning, shopping, having people over for dinner. Other days (today) I don't make my bed but stay in it reading until midmorning, do only one thing from my to do list (wash outside lanai windows) and don't rush anywhere for anything. I'm practicing for retirement should I ever be forced into it.

I am saying that sometimes my own faith is so wrapped up in having answers, and of course those answers don't always come. I want God to show he loves me in some way that I recognize. There are things that I've asked for myself that haven't materialized but somehow those are not the things that really bother me.  I can always imagine how not getting what I've asked for might actually be for my good. It's actually harder when I see my children going through emotional or physical pain - kind of like in the movies when the bad guys go after someone that the hero loves instead of the hero himself. See how it can subtley creep into one's mind how God is the bad guy?

 I know that by definition faith has to occur in a void of evidence.  I need enough evidence of the really big, most important thing God has done that none of the other non-answered things matter.  If I could grasp the importance of being with God for eternity, I would be grateful and not sorrow over the disappointments and pain of life here and now... maybe I wouldn't, I don't know. I think I understand that it's the job of the Holy Spirit to help me when I feel this near the edge of faith. I need him to present himself as an unlimited supply of emotional strength. He needs to reassure me that there is a whole lot more going on than what I see. He needs to remind me that the things that are good in my life are not just my own doing or coincidence, and that the things that are not good will have a purpose and will pass with time. He has to remind me that God has already done the best, most loving thing for me and is watching and hoping that I will believe it and hang on. For sure, time is passing so quickly that it will soon be the day of questions being put to rest. And until then I will continue to ask him for what seems right - he says to do that - for my children, my friends, the world. I'm just saying that sometimes it is harder than others...