Old Friend Pain

I have been two days without any ibuprofen, just to see if the pain is still there, or even scarier, if the ibuprofen is causing some of the pain. My neck is sore and can barely be turned. my thumbs feel like they've been abused in some weird Chinese torture ritual, my right shoulder feels somewhat dislocated. Below the waist I'm not so bad although the first few steps after being in any position for more than a half hour are a little painful and off balance. I have been falling asleep without help though and seem to get the same number of hours as usual - I'm just more relieved when I can finally get up after being still for that long. I've been reading The Dirty Life by Kristin Kimball (good read!) and wishing I had the physical ambition to do that kind of hard work, raising food for myself and others, farming. I think it would be too painful, if not impossible.  If there were not so many things left that I can do I would feel really bad about the things I'm thinking of crossing off the list.

But it is nearly February and time for the annual lesson in how not to garden in Florida. There are dozens of ways and I know I've not tried them all yet. One of these years something will work. I'm going to try not to spend any money this season (that was one of the things that didn't work last year). I've only lost a couple plants so far to cold weather and lack of water and am hoping the danger of freezing is past. I have ideas...  I'm wondering about chickens.

I bought a shirt from a company that makes travel clothes. I thought it would be a great light jacket for my Cambodia trip but I didn't wear it even once. It has polka dots, or maybe just dots, all over it. I guess polka dots are evenly arranged in a pattern - my own definition. For some reason I am drawn to spots like this on clothing, maybe thinking that other spots will be hidden much more easily. But I don't like them nearly as much when I see them on me. This black shirt with white dots makes me feel like a large domino with legs. What the catalog said is true, it doesn't wrinkle and that is a point in its favor.

I've only had to work four days a week for the last two weeks and it has been so helpful. With this kind of schedule, the job I have has a lot in common with the job I always thought of as the perfect job (see previous blog). This calm, adequately staffed period of time probably will not last forever, but I've been enjoying it. Some days I get up and work like a madwoman doing errands, cleaning, shopping, having people over for dinner. Other days (today) I don't make my bed but stay in it reading until midmorning, do only one thing from my to do list (wash outside lanai windows) and don't rush anywhere for anything. I'm practicing for retirement should I ever be forced into it.

Why I Write

I needed this to come back to my attention, and it did - strange how that happens...

It is August 8, 2006.  I am typing badly.  I have poison ivy starting on my arm and have been to the doctor yesterday hoping to keep it from going full blown.  She is a doctor who is pretty okay with giving me medications for my symptoms and of the three things she prescribed for me I have chosen to take only the prednisone for now.  It upsets stomachs and maybe that is why I can’t sleep tonight.  Maybe it is also the headache, fever like heat in my body and scratchy throat.  Maybe it is the purring of the cat, snoring of the husband, humming of the computer in my bedroom.  Common things all add up and produce uncommon results. 

As I lay unable to sleep my thoughts went to this afternoon’s encounter with a friend who needed a ride to a job interview.  I was pondering “Freedom Village”, the place where we were, and once again I was thinking that this might be a good place to work.  They are trying to take everything an elderly person might need and put it under one umbrella – food, shelter, aesthetics, health care, recreation, social contact and help with meeting these needs at whatever level a person requires, from independence to total care.  Surely as a nurse, a caretaker, a cook, a good driver, a seamstress, a musician, a “handy” person, I should be able to find the perfectly satisfying job doing things for these people, yes?  I imagined myself walking into their HR office and asking for a chance to describe my “dream job” and just seeing if they wanted to buy me. 

This led to all kinds of reflection on my “dream job” and all the jobs I’ve had that didn’t measure up completely and why I am still searching.  At 55 I have to face the possibility that I could die without having discovered what God wants me to be doing now as the culmination of all he’s given me and taught me.  I could miss this thing for which I was created.  A sense of sadness and frustration and something like fear came over me which I can only remember feeling one other time.  And that time came up before me like a movie on a screen, because I have always regarded it as one of my pivotal moments.  I can’t remember exactly when I was “born again” or other important times you would think surely to be memorable, but I remember this experience with God.  It seemed one sided at the time too, but it was definitely attended by the Lord as well.  I wanted a child.  And in a very personal moment with God I realized and confessed to him that I just wanted this child because I wanted to share with someone who God was to me.  I wanted someone to mentor, to love and to influence not just for me but so that God could also have the joy of that person meeting their potential and loving Him.  It wasn’t a demand that I was making but a realization.  I realized why I wanted children but more importantly I realized why God might want children too.  It was a moment of identification, an “aha” moment.  It changed my idea of why God would value and love me, or Adam and Eve, or aborigines in New Guinea or anyone that he created.  God is a creator and he loves what he creates and desires to be in fellowship with his potentially most satisfying creation.  Wow.  I also gave it up and decided that if God didn’t want me to be a parent and hadn’t created me suitable for that purpose I would be unhappy pursuing it.  I wanted to accept whatever God’s wisdom knew was best for me and be at peace.

A few weeks later I was pregnant with my first child, after having tried for two years with no success.  Two passages of scripture became special to me as a result of this new turn in my life.  One said to trust in the Lord and lean not to my own understanding – to acknowledge him in all my ways and he would direct my path.  The other encouraged me to tell the Lord the desires of my heart because he delighted to give them to me.  The passages work together because only by acknowledging the Lord in every way can I be sure that the desires of my heart are true, God glorifying desires that he can give me. 

So next I pondered the job of being a parent.  Was it the “dream job”?  Yes, I really felt it was in so many ways (if you don’t count things like salary, job recognition, pension…).  But I had only Julie and Esther.  And was I able to accomplish what I told God I wanted to do with them?  I understand now that parenting is intensive in the first 18 or so years but it really never ends.  My parents are still influencing me so much!

 I started thinking about how I could continue to tell them about the reality of God because that is what it all boils down to in my mind.  Is God real or are we making him up in our minds?  I have dealt with this question time and time again, and I admit I toy with it from time to time – mostly when I see someone else heading down that path.  I know I can’t prove God to anyone and in fact I can’t even prove him to myself.  But God did give me the capacity to choose belief and act on it, and then he seizes the moment and begins to prove himself to me over a lifetime.  The earlier in life I choose to believe, the more fun I have with God. 

So here are the choices.  We all believe something.  We can decide to not deal with God because the idea is too frustrating and hard to figure out and we can’t make sense of it. (Why are we praying if God knows what we want?  If God hears every prayer why does it make any difference if thousands of people are praying for you?  If God made the rules in the first place why did he decide that someone had to die to atone for sin?  Why did he decide not to actually talk to so many of us?  I could go on forever.)  But that still leaves a lot of big questions regarding origins, purpose, philosophy of life and when thoughts of death occur you can never quite dispel the possibility that you could be wrong about the whole thing and then what?  Ooops.   To my way of thinking, everyone who has not given their lives over to God, to Christ as Lord, is just deciding not to deal with him – yet.  And you really do have everything to lose. 

So the other alternative is to go ahead and believe.  Logically speaking, who would not like to believe that they were conceived and created with love, that they were valued, that there was a way to live in happiness despite circumstances, that there is help beyond our understanding, and hope that all things even though they be not good can be used for good ultimately.  And when life is over, the really good stuff is just beginning because you were not made for this life only – it was just your education and time of proving.  Wouldn’t it just be a much easier, happier choice?  (Please let’s not get into martyrs and persecution just yet.)

I think a lot of us don’t make this decision because we can’t prove God to people who are going to challenge us.  It makes us feel stupid to believe something we can’t prove.  But really have you ever asked a nonbeliever to prove what he believes?  Proof is way overrated. And we care way too much what other people think and way too little about what a Creator God would think and do if he were real.  If you decide to start believing and turn over to God the job of proving himself and be persistent and trusting, like a child, your education will begin.  And to those who are still just being pragmatic – you really have nothing to lose that you aren’t going to lose anyway. 

This is really what I wanted to plant in my children as a starting point.  And I wanted to help them open their eyes along the way and see every evidence that God sent them.  I wanted to help them put their fears in God’s hands – we all have fears.  I wanted to point out to them the physical and spiritual rewards that God passes out, and the natural penalties of ignoring his direction.  And I wanted them to see how delighted I was with them and that I thought God also felt that way. 

Did God give me other children besides Julie and Esther?  I have no doubt he gave me plenty of people to feed and listen to and encourage.  Maybe I was close enough to them that they would also value my story and my way of thinking and believing.  Maybe I should try to tell it to all of the children that God gave me to care about – to Elisha, Tiffany, Jasmine, Shantala, Tanya, Melanie, Jonathan, Christine, Jayson, Nikki, Sony, Todd, Sara, Jessie, Josh, Amy, Tim, Jess, Matt,  Johnny, Krystal, Cheryl, my nieces and nephews, my piano students, the sick children I took care of, the young girls I did Mary Kay with, the dear little children in my church… 

Not too long ago I had an interaction with a lady in the Unitarian Church.  She wanted my husband to come to their worship service and provide inspirational music for them.  It’s my understanding that they somewhat worship cultural achievement and the talents of men and aren’t really sure who to credit for these things.  I had already spent a lot of time thinking about what needed to be said to someone like this woman – a lady in her eighties, well dressed, wealthy appearing and comfortable with her spirituality – and suddenly I was telling God what I would say to her and asking to make the opportunity for me to do it.  I felt the same desire to tell her as I did many years ago to tell my unborn children about a wonderful God, a God who is sovereign, makes the decisions, and is a jealous God when it come to his creation and who they worship.  Again it is a moment of realization that the desire of my heart is to tell other people, like this woman, about this very real God that they can get to know, a God who is certainly big enough to figure out how to prove himself to a willing believer.  After all he is God – duh.  If he can’t bring his own creation to a knowledge of himself we are all worthless and he is not worth worshipping.  What he has used many times to prove himself to me has been the concept of family, the relationship of love between parents and children, husbands and wives.  What he uses to bring it home to you may be entirely different because he knows you, how you think and the quickest, most lasting way to your heart. 

It is now 4 am and I had better try to sleep and hope the Lord has somehow birthed in me a “dream job” to pursue.  I felt that I needed to write this night’s experience down rather than risk forgetting it.  It was a matter of obedience and trust in divine inspiration.  And God has proved a part of himself to me once again. 

All over the place

I've been plagued lately with short random thoughts and recollections and I have to write them out so I can quit thinking about them. One cool morning this last week, I was covering up my client with a beach towel after her swim and it looked a bit cape-like so the subject of Superman came up. Doesn't your mind jump right there when you hear the word cape? Thinking about childhood super heroes and dressing up like them led me to thinking of my childhood imaginings. Maybe it was before Superman's time, I don't know, but I used to imagine I was a squirrel. And not a Rocky and Bullwinkle type of squirrel either - just a plain forest creature. Our living room had a generous sized upholstered chair with wide arms that I would crouch on, with my blankie tucked into the waistband of my two piece jammies. It would hang long behind me (think tail) and flip around when I jumped over to other pieces of furniture (think trees). It was fun. I was not the only kid in the family doing that. I'm not sure what age I was but I was small enough to fit under the TV table on a shelf. TVs were almost as big as a washing machine and they sat on squarish stands, table height with a hole in the middle for all the electronic heat to escape.

This week I gave up my 20 year old driver's license for a new updated one with a new updated picture of me on it. Twenty years ago I looked a whole different color than I do now and it was confusing for people, so it was time - nevertheless, I kind of grieved giving up the old one. It was kind of like parting with a piece of history. They should have let me keep it.  But the part of the process that I can't quit thinking about was the vision test I had to take. Keep in mind that I had just been to the optometrist the week before for my yearly vision exam and there was nothing unusual about it. I had my contacts in. Everything was clear and easy to read, until she asked me to tell what was in a row of boxes on the right of the screen. Those boxes were empty, clear and empty, but that was not the right answer. She encouraged me to look harder - at empty boxes?  So, I'm starting to sweat a little at this point because I had told her there would be no issue with my vision test and clearly there seemed to be one. I switched to a different machine and looked at it's empty boxes for a while. She told me to turn my head a little but the empty boxes looked pretty much the same that way too. Patiently, she asked me if I had monovision contacts, which I do, and told me to look harder.  I think the test is for distances greater than the length of one's car - far vision, but my eye whose job it was to see far was the one seeing nothing. When I closed that eye, the near vision eye saw ever so faintly, blurry letters in some of the boxes and when I squinted real hard I was able to guess correctly and pass the test. The scary thing is, evidently there's a bunch of stuff out there that I'm not seeing at all. That's not good. "Oh, don't worry about it. I wasn't going to fail you." she said. I still can't figure it out but you can count on it, I'm going back to the optometrist this week and telling the story to her.

And the last thing I'll write about is my resolution to not buy clothing that I won't ever wear.  That would seem like a no brainer resolution, but if that were true I wouldn't have quite a few things that are now in my closet. I was looking for something to wear with a skirt this morning and since it was cool I went to the long sleeved tops and saw my colorful array of L.L. Bean turtleneck knits. Was I so enamored with the quality of L.L.Bean and so intoxicated with my ability to purchase them that I went totally out of my mind? What was I thinking? It's been ten years since I've wanted anything warm around my neck. Really, not even a round crew neck is comfortable. I need a V neck, a couple buttons I can undo, or something that can be removed (modestly of course) when I have a temperature surge. I made myself wear one today out of guilt. I also have quite a few suit jackets - same problem. Suit, jacket - I get warm just thinking the words. The only place I can wear them is in the freezer section of the supermarket, but I always forget to dress up when I go grocery shopping. How about you?

Well, I just had to say these things. Now I can rest peacefully tonight.

Needed - higher standards

I give up. I hired a friend to clean my house. It was humiliating. I thought maybe she could just clean the floors and it would make me feel so much cleaner, kind of relieve the dirt tension for a few days. But she couldn't let it go at that. For some reason she started in the bathrooms and was still there an hour later when I got home from work, planning to hit the shower with bleach for the third time. I pitched in (we used to work jobs like this together) and we got quite a bit done but she thinks it will take a couple more times to get all the places that need to be brought up to her standards. It's okay. I needed this, and I admit it feels great to have the weekend ahead of me and not have to spend any of it with the vacuum, or the mop. Thank you Z.

Confusion

Finally had to take the time to re-do my blog design. I asked my neice, whose blog I think looks really interesting, how to do it and she gave me instructions that pretty much had to start with a tab marked DESIGN. There was no tab like that on the page I usually find myself looking at. So after an hour of clicking everything that could be clicked, after being lost in page confusion three times (how did I get there before? why didn't it stay the way I set it? why does it give me 25 color choices and then say they can't apply to the design I've chosen? blah, blah, blah) I'm sticking with this cute little flower page - at least I hope it's still there - can't see it while I'm writing the post. I like it. I'll have to check with my other reader and see what she thinks.

Why did we pick January?

So... when you realize that you've been married nearly 40 years (or done anything for 40 years for that matter) and you're feeling like kicking "old" in the teeth, where do you go but to the fountain of youth, right? Well, we have one right in our own back yard, so to speak. I've tried to find it several times in past years and gotten lost, kind of like Ponce de Leon I guess, but this time I had a map and a groupon to make it more affordable. We arrived at Warm Mineral Springs around lunchtime and decided to eat first before venturing near the spring. There were tables outside but the people sitting there were wearing stocking hats, mittens and jackets (what's with that?!) so we seated ourselves inside and I got someone to take our picture to record the moment for posterity. And just who is posterity anyway, I don't know. It's a beautiful place, this spring, and the number of chairs indicated there are times of the year when lots of people come but there was no crowd for us to battle. I wore my swimsuit underneath my clothes. Dennis forgot his back on the kitchen counter (I think his subliminal desires were kicking in). After lunch we walked around and chose a spot near a ramp to settle in. I went swimming and Dennis started reading "A Dirty Life" on my kindle. Thirty nine years has taught us at least one thing - that we don't very often like to do the same activities and that it's okay. And how else could I have gotten him to read a fun book that I wanted him to read?

The spring is 87 degrees all the time, warm but not hot, and on a cold day, the trick is to stay in the water for as long as you can and then get out quickly. I got a good bit of exercise and conversed with a few other swimmers before getting out and drying off. The water was quite clean and a bit salty tasting - purported to have the highest mineral content of any spring in the country. I don't know if a body actually absorbs any of that because I don't feel any different, except from the exercise, but it was a pleasant experience and I'm glad to have finally "been there and done that".

Back at home we cleaned up, Dennis got a much needed haircut, and we took our next groupon over to Lakewood Ranch to have dinner at El Lago Ranchero. That was fun too and we have leftovers for lunch today. Finally found a place that has fresh salsa and chips just like Estellas in Tampa, not to mention the two for price of one sangrias every Saturday. So another anniversary is past, I've cleaned all the tarnish from the spring off my silver jewelry, and we are starting on the big 40.



Cambodia Aftermath

The trip was amazing in many ways. I'm not back 100% yet as far as jet lag and getting rid of this cold but have been back to work and a regular schedule since Monday. I have to figure out how to go back again. It's taken me a week to organize pictures and post to Facebook - yet after all that effort I still feel like it's an inadequate expression of what I saw and learned. I know it's possible to spend a lot of time wondering whether your life has made a difference to anyone or anything - we all have those moments I'm guessing. But here is a way to know that you can make all the difference in the world to a child, 20 children, 40 children, endless possibilities really... I'm excited about spreading the word and living out what God has shown me. Yes, God does get the credit for this and I can't wait to see what the plans are for the future. Meanwhile, if anyone would like to think about buying a really nice cashmere or cotton scarf from Cambodia I have several that I'm giving to anyone wishing to contribute to the next purchase of things for the orphan homes. Some really nice jewelry items from the Central market too...  Pictures coming soon.