Decisions

Tonight I've been thinking, sitting by the fire outside, wondering how to set boundaries and yet be kind. I'm in agonizing decision mode complete with upset stomach, headache and tears. I've just gotten home from a week long working trip to Chicago, had one day off and have already been asked to go back again next week.  I would like for there to be other answers to Tanisha's need to be with her mom other than my going with her - other people who could also supply her need for physical care. I don't want to go again and I have to tell her that somehow, even though I know she might not be able to find anyone else to take her. If this job were simply that - a job - it might be easier, but there are too many aspects to our relationship that are un-job-like. I have a lot of compassion for her dillemma. If my mom were almost certainly dying soon I would want to go and be with her. But it is not a simple decision for Tanisha who has to be taken care of herself, even as she tries to take care of someone else.

I've been gone from home so much - it seems that way to me. There was the two week trip in August after which I told Tanisha I didn't want to travel with her anymore. Following that there was the week long trip to Atlanta which I did because it had been scheduled a year ahead and she hadn't had time to find anyone else to go - but again, it was to be the last one for me. Then somehow I found myself saying yes to her wanting to see her Mom again because she was doing so poorly with her cancer treatment - another week away, this time over Thanksgiving. And at some time there will probably be a funeral to attend. My body is tired of working so much and I'm missing my own life to a certain extent.

Logistically, my trip to Cambodia is coming up and I need some energy for that. If I'm up in Chicago where the timing of things is totally out of anyone's control, what if there is a long wait? It doesn't make sense to keep coming back and going again since it is the travel that is the hardest part. In the next 25 days I don't want to have to be worrying about Chicago over and over and having no time to prepare for Cambodia.

I'm looking for answers but somewhat afraid that the answer will be difficult to implement no matter what decision I make.